James Valentine on Jesus All About Life

When did branding become the universal panacea to any problem? From the NRL to vanilla Coke, it's not that there's a problem with the thing itself, there's a problem with the branding.

In the past few weeks no less than Australia and Christianity has announced that they need to look at their branding. I'm not sure what to make of a faith that has branding issues. Of a Creator who's putting pressure on the marketing department. You want to bring the waverers in? I don't know ? lightning bolt? Big voice from the sky? Some water into wine? I'd say branding issues dealt with.

But instead of upwardly referring the problem, this coalition of 20 Christian churches found through their market research that almost everything about themselves was on the nose; God, church, religion, holy, faith ? all of them with less brand loyalty than Hyundai. The only one who was maintaining a strong market share was Jesus ? up there with iphone, apparently.

So the churches have responded with a series of billboards. The billboards show a picture of a child at the seaside. Slogan, Thank You For the Beaches, Jesus. As powerful as a puppy with a roll of toilet paper.

If only they'd come to me. You want an impactful billboard? There's only one model. Get big red and yellow signs up along major roads, reading DO YOU WANT A LONGER AFTER LIFE? In three months replace it with PRAY LONGER. AND HARDER.

With a bit of luck you'd get plenty of attendant controversy, lots of mileage in the news columns, plenty of outraged letters and before you know it, you're getting more coverage than a condom on the Pope.

And you haven't even offered to deliver Holy Water via a nasal spray.

Branding's a cult and a religion in itself. It's an article of faith now that if there's a problem then you have to fix the brand. As irresistible as it is to mix religion and branding ? that crucifix was pretty effective logo for a millennia or so wasn't it? Only surpassed today apparently by the Golden Arches ? it's ludicrous isn't it?


James Valentine is an ABC radio broadcaster, writer, and a former member of the 1980s rock band, The Models.